I am not going to discuss the travesty of last night and totally Cleveland-tastic performance of the Cavs, because if I do I might start crying for the first time since last Sunday when I watched "Ohio State-Michigan:The Rivalry" again on HBO (I always cry during the part with the old guy saying "Go Blue" because it's sad to think that he will die without ever seeing a Michigan winning season again, hell, even I might die before that happens). But I will discuss a topic that comes up often in my apartment: that the celtics players are just a hideous collection of human beings.
Celtics management has, in a move I can only assume to be on purpose, assembled a basketball team that is just horribly ugly, from top to bottom. Starters, bench players, even the scrubs, just eye-gougingly ugly. Most teams have a few players who aren't lookers, but with the Celtics it's like they signed these players with the goal of distracting the other team by way of their irksome visages.
Let me start with the starters. These players run the gamut of ugliness, and make me wonder how Ray Allen's Spike-Lee-Joint-worthy face got tangled up with this group of miscreants. The new star of the team is the young point guard, Rajon Rondo. Rondo has a combination of a disproportionately-long, alien-like head with skin that is so incomprehensibly smooth I don't think it is legal to be had by a man in any state south of Tennessee. Rondo would certainly fit in on RuPaul's Drag Race because if you put a wig and makeup on him, he would make for a very passable, yet still very ugly, woman. (http://thebostonsportsnetwork.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/rajonrondo01_45957.jpg vs. http://ll-media.tmz.com/2008/04/23/0423_rupaul_reveal_getty.jpg)
Paul Pierce is the next best player on the Celts, and boy is he ugly. For some reason, it seems as if Paul Pierce's sideburns are allergic to shaving, while the rest of his face accepts it. The oval-shaped, unattached, pseudo-mutton chops that grace his face look like he fell asleep earliest at an 8th grade sleep over and someone glued some pubes to the side of his face. Pierce also often sports an intense game-face during crucial points in games that look less intimidating and more like he could really use a couple spoonfulls of Activia. (http://www.layoutlocator.com/graphics/dldimg/905037a76a48d9af31f33177eb16f419_pierce3083107023716.gif) During this face he also often sports an underbite that makes one wish for the simpler days of Bubba from Forrest Gump.
The starting center for the Celtics is Kendrick Perkins, a player who came to the NBA straight from high school, presumably because colleges just assumed he was retarded. Kendrick's face shows no signs of human emotion. As I looked for pictures of him, I found examples of his hands and mouth moving, suggesting he was feeling something, but the expression on his face never changed (but there are reports that he will become sentient within the next year). (Happy: http://cache.boston.com/bonzai-fba/Globe_Photo/2007/08/18/1187482212_0612.jpg Sad: http://www.nba.com/media/celtics/profile_posed_kendrick_perkins220300.jpg) His eyes are also sunk like 4 inches into his face, which you would think would make him see about as well as a horse with blinders on, but he seems to manage. He is also one of those people that, for a reason I don't understand, does not have any "whites of his eyes," but "gross, yellowish tinted, cream colored...of his eyes."
When you move to the Celtics bench, things do not get much better. Shelden Williams looks just like Ken Griffey in that one episode of the Simpsons when Mr. Burns hires major league players to be ringers for a softball league, and Griffey gets gigantism. (http://www.nbadraft.net/files/players/shelden-williams-hd_0.jpg vs. http://weblogs.wpix.com/sports/thehuddle/44griffey.jpg ...omg they even have the same mustache) They've also got Marquis Daniels, who the Celtics are paying $2 million this year to bring down their team shotting percentage and bring up their teams ugly percentage.
Even among towel-waving, bench-filling, white guys, the Celtics have by far the ugliest in Brian Scalabrine. Scalabrine looks like he could not possibly be a professional athlete, and instead of protein shakes after workouts, that he drinks actual milkshakes. (http://www.celticsclub.com/players/players/photos346.jpg) But his terryfyingly red hair and his amorphous blob physique probably do make him fit in really well on the Boston streets.
This list certainly leaves off some players, but I think you all get the point. If you want to see some more gross-looking, tall, rich dudes, and haven't eaten recently, just check out the rest of their roster. I thought about suggesting that they trade for Joakin Noah, Adam Morrison and Chris Kaman to round out their roster, but I decided against it, since those players all on the court together would probably induce more vomiting than a Pi Phi party at Miami.
(I just remembered that I somehow left off Rasheed Wallace, so I will leave you with these things to think about...looks homeless, that disgusting bald spot...http://blacksportsonline.com/index/2009/07/05/rasheed_wallace.jpg...holy shit)
Great article Adam.
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